The Investment Dresser: the lace dress

Did you see that photograph of Dame Helen recently? OMG, 67 really is the new… oh, whatevs. Let's get away from age and talk about cocktail dresses. Or maybe cocktail dresses and age. Because you can't discount your years entirely. If you're 12, you must take that into account. Don't dress like Kim Kardashian. Actually, you're forbidden from dressing like her until you're 90, when you can do what the hell you like. See? Age counts.

Anyway, the picture. Dame Helen's wearing lace, and it reminded me of my own all-time favourite 'stand by, we have lift-off' cocktail number. It's a navy lace, ultra-flattering, knee-length, fit and flare by Carven.

Did you spot all the things that were right about that preceding sentence? Let's begin in the middle: it is almost impossible to screw up lace. Obviously, you can literally screw it up - then watch it spring back to unrumpled perfection. And when some dot.commie-type party guest starts droning on about hi-tech this, hi-tech that you can say, 'Yeah, lace. Been there, done that 500 years ago.'

Does lace ever go out of fashion? Not on my watch. That's why you shouldn't scrimp. Buy cheap denim, get your cashmere next to the potato aisle, but do not succumb to shiny, synthetic lace. It's French all the way for me. I would buy British but we only produce about 10 metres a year. And to think it was a major industry in the Midlands until the 1950s.

Lace is a wonderful way to wear dark colours as you get older - and it always looks appropriately formal without feeling stiff. It's decorative, yet can seem minimalist if you wear it with black tuxedo pants. La Mirren's Dolce & Gabbana dress is black, but your lace might look even better in chocolate or navy - and it won't stop you wearing black accessories.

Other miraculous lace properties: it works as well with tweed as with satin; different-coloured slips underneath will change the effect dramatically; you can veil crêpy, saggy bits but still look tantalisingly bare. It's old-school demure but sufficiently erotic for Dame Helen to put away her cleavage and not feel bereft. Guess she's been there, done that.

From left: Nylon mix, £175, by Whistles ( whistles.co.uk ), Cotton and silk mix, £2,240, by Erdem, from Matches ( matchesfashion.com ), Nylon mix, £55, by Asos ( asos.com ).

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