Oscars 2013: Of all the dresses in the world, why these?

The visual schlock-fest began from the moment the cameras honed in on red carpet presenter Kristin Chenoweth. Her dress, designed by Tony Ward Couture (nope, me neither, but extensive Googling confirms he's based in Beirut) was a Disney cartoon-inspired explosion that made her fellow presenter Kelly Rowland's monochrome slashathon look restrained.

IN PICTURES: Oscars 2013: 10 fashion faux pas

But it was high-definition tackiness - the glorious undoing of the TV soap awards - that really hijacked these Oscars. Indeed Chenoweth's make-up marked a new watershed in red carpet curiosities. Fresh from the cement mixer, it was obviously conceived to look good under TV lights and the mid-afternoon Californian sun but, thanks to HD, instead cast spooky flat shadows that, fascinatingly, made her look animatronic.

She was far from the only HD oddity. Even the suspiciously shag pile carpet looked as though it had been bought in a liquidation sale from Allied Carpets.

IN PICTURES: Oscars 2013 fashion: red carpet hits and misses

As for the frocks, we were subjected to a parade of inappropriate amphibious hemlines, ludicrous trains and princessy meringues on women who, if they don't know better, have highly paid stylists who should be contractually obliged to. Even the dresses that were impressive ended up diminished by all the dreck around them.

Michelle Obama announced the Best Picture award wearing a silver- beaded Naeem Khan dress, showing off toned shoulders and just a hint of cleavage. If you watched the Oscars in Iran, however, America's First Lady looked far more demure, after national news agency Fars Photoshopped her gown so it covered her décolletage and shoulders.

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Jennifer Lawrence's 1950s Beaton-esque ballgown was beautifully constructed but impossible to climb steps in. What a way to mark your first Oscar - with a pratfall. This is what happens when you employ celebrity stylists who don't bother to go to fashion shows. They have no meaningful relationships with designers. Indeed, they appear to have so little respect for the creative process ("gimme a strapless dress in greige and let's call it quits") that many designers have lost faith in the whole Oscar process.

Sky fall? It should have done.

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2012 may have been a bumper year for cinema but Los Angeles red carpet stylists seem to have run out of ideas...

IN PICTURES: Oscars 2013 fashion: red carpet hits and misses

JESSICA CHASTAIN IN ARMANI PRIVE
Close up on tv you could sort of see why Jessica Chastain went for this dress. With her creamy skin and its soft texture it took on a rosy glow. But in every single stills picture she lookes like a brandy snap. A brandy snap with a side order of caramel sauce. Maybe that's what happens when you go on the red carpet diet. You start visualising food.

AMY ADAMS IN OCAR DE LA RENTA
One of my favourite actresses. A comedienne who can mine tragedy from fluff. How clever of the stylist to put her in a dress that does the same. This Cindarella tribute looked fabulous - in about 1953. Also I swear it's the image of one Coast emailed me months ago. Isn't the high street supposed to copy the Oscars rather than the other way round?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE IN DIOR
She's gorgeous. The dress is gorgeous.They look as though they're having about as much fun together as Goneril and Regan at family therapy night - and that was before she fell over on her way to the podium. This is because putting a young Californian actress in a stiff couture 50s style couture gown and adding 20lbs of fishtail is like casting Cameron Diaz to play Queen Victoria - and telling her to do it in German.

NICOLE KIDMAN IN L'WREN SCOTT
Sometimes you can blast something in sequins and it looks magical. And sometimes it looks like an old tube-dress from the 80s with a wet patch

KERRY WASHINGTON IN MIU MIU
It's not the most amazing dress Miuccia Prada ever designed but it's an actual colour and it doesn't have a ridiculous train or anphibious looking hem. Ergo it gets 20/10

CHARLIZE THERON IN DIOR
Didn't Anne Hathaway wear this to the Golden Globes?

JANE FONDA IN VERSACE
Kudos for the daffodil-hued kerpow, but couldn't Jane have borrowed her outfit from someone other than Joan Collins? ON the plus side, had she got legless at the Governor's Ball they could have turned her upside down and she'd still stand up. She probably doesn't drink though. Or eat.

NAOMI WATTS IN ARMANI PRIVE
Hold the front page. Stop the clocks. Actress wears neckline. The bravery. The method-collarboning. The throat coaching...sci-fi niggles apart, this fits her like the proverbial spray tan. She looks stunning - and not a retro influence in sight. Quite possibly the dress-actress combo of the night.

ANNE HATHAWAY IN PRADA
Anne Hathaway's performance in Les Mis was gutsy, stirring and unforgettable. Couldn't her frock at least have met her half way?

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